I’m Outdoorsy In That I Like Getting Drunk on Patios

Camping is something I’ve done in my youth but have not tried since.  Probably because I hate the outdoors.  I like things like Air conditioning and plumbing.  Yeah, I’m weird like that.  So here is a little list I’ve comprised as to why I don’t camp…outside.  I’m all for setting up a tent in my living room.

  • Bugs.  I hate Bugs…they suck.
  • Accidentally eating spiders.  Dude it happens.  Apparently indoors a person accidentally eats 8 spiders a year. You know…Accidentally while asleep and shit.
  • Dirt.  I don’t like dirt in my house why would I intentionally sleep on it?
  • Dampness.  Seriously, do I need to feel like God pissed on me directly when I wake up in the morning?
  • Being eaten by Bears or Squirrels.  It could totally happen…I saw it on NCIS once.
  • Bugs and Spiders.
  • Lack of comfy bedage.  I don’t care how great a blow up mattress they give me it’s still sleeping outdoors in the a fore mentioned crap!

So there you have it folks.  All of my paranoia wrapped in a neat list with bullet points ;0)  You’ll have to excuse me for a bit as I need to sit on the patio and have a bottle of wine with the bugs.


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